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What more can I say?
I need to continue my story because walking with Christ doesn’t stop at the point of salvation and the first blush of love for Jesus.
In the life of many Christian (an probably most), there are trials and tribulations. We live in a fallen world and guess what bad stuff happens. So many people think that once they give their heart to Christ everything will be perfect. So I want to share my experience of walking through the wilderness and God’s faithfulness.
As you know from my personal testimony I was married when Christ found me. And oh the joy! What a precious time. Praying without ceasing, on fire for the Lord. It was truly a miracle and the change in me was like night and day.
Therein was the “problem.” I was a brand new person in Christ, and frankly my husband didn’t like this new me. He would certainly admit I was a better person, but he really didn’t want to be married to a better person. He like the girl in the miniskirts, and the girl who could drink all night at the bar with him.
I had become someone who had betrayed him, who had changed because I didn’t love him anymore. He didn’t understand that Jesus had changed me and I wasn’t going to change my mind about Christ. He resented my joy and it made him bitter.
He even let me know that I would never have children unless I gave up my “new religion.” At first my faith in Christ sustained me though the name calling, looks of disgust, having my family tell me how wrong I was to do this to him, etc.
However, over the course of time, it became harder and harder. I wasn’t allowed to talk about Jesus, or read my Bible in his site. I prayed and prayed and prayed for him until I felt broken. It became difficult to even lift my voice to say Jesus help me. I tried to model Jesus and be a “submissive wife.” (Short of giving up Jesus.) My husband’s heart was hardened towards Jesus an me.
In 2001 my husband decided (out of the blue) that I could now have a child. I had stopped going to church at this point, to show my husband that it wasn’t the church “brainwashing” me, rather Christ within me.
The moment I became pregnant, the anger and bitterness swelled within me. I was resentful over his cruel and hurtful treatment. I was consumed with hate. Day after day, from the moment I woke up until I could finally fall asleep, my mind was filled with anger and hatred. I know now, it was the power and principalities coming against me. I just couldn’t shake it.
I remember in the delivery room, not wanting him there except as a punishment. Hating him the whole time. This child belonged to me and he didn’t deserve a child after all the years of pain.
My ability to pray had been damaged, my desire to read the Bible had all but stopped. I still loved the Lord, but my ministry was gone. My testimony was crippled. I was clinging to the Lord by some very broken fingernails.
I went to several counselors looking for a way to stop the anger and while each and every one of them (several were Christian counselors) told me to leave my husband, one of them told me that what I feel is a choice. I don’t know why, but that was my “ah ha” moment. The anger left and I could start the process of forgiveness.
My husband continued to ask for a divorce, and finally when our child was 4 years old, I gave up and gave in. I moved myself and our son to my fathers home and felt like a failure. Not because I was sad about my marriage, but because I felt I had failed God.
I asked God to help me, to change my heart, to help me grow. I got an answer from Him. He gave me two little precious words....”I AM.” Oh how I cling to those words and trust that He is.
During the time when I had just moved out, there were so many blessings that I can only praise His Name. From things like my job cooperating with my need to work from home during my two evening shifts, to a surprise check coming in the mail.
The custody battle was another instance where His hand was obvious. My Ex wanted to share custody, one week on one week off type thing. Since he was not a Christian and openly hostile to a true faith in Jesus, I felt I had to object and the long court battle began. It started out with a “liberal” judge who told us that he personally liked a shared custody arrangement. Not a good sign....
On the day of the trial, my father was in the hospital and he was very close to dying...so the night before, I didn’t have the normal anxiety of thinking about what I would say or how would it turn out....I was worried about my Dad.
The trial went as well as can be expected. My faith was certainly brought up, with my husband’s lawyer trying to portray me as a strange over the top religious freak. God was right by my side, He put the words in my mouth and gave me the strength I needed to answer each question with confidence and authority. Not only was I not rattled, but I was amused by my husband’s lawyers tactic, because I knew God was on my side. Praise His Holy Name! God was not going to be mocked in that court of law.
Needless to say, I won the case, and my ex certainly has visitation (as he should), I will be our son’s primary influence which in turn I hope will mean that God will have primary influence.
I’m not at my Dad’s for two years, and have looked for a church that felt like home. So far I haven’t found one in my area. I still struggle with my walk, but then I ran across a website called Harvest Family Fellowship and started listening to Pastor Steve’s sermons. What a blessing! I can feel that old spark staring to catch and I’m looking forward to a blazing fire for the Lord to burn in my heart.
I wonder where God is going to lead me, how He will use me. I pray that all of this will wind up being for His glory! Thank You for never leaving me Lord even when I “left” You!
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