|
I was adopted by an aunt and uncle at the age of one because my maternal mother kept abandoning me. I was the product of the free love, drugs and rock-n-roll of the late sixties. My maternal mother was frequently on the run from the cops due to her drug habits and prostitution.
My adoptive parents took me in more out of obligation than a desire to raise me. I felt very outside of my family and very alone. My adoptive parents who I will simply call my parents from here on out, had a child of their own. A sister who was everything I was not. (Whom I have always loved dearly.)
I grew up being told how grateful I should feel to have a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I didn't really understand what that meant as a child except that I was obviously not grateful enough. I was also told how bad I was, and that I would turn out just like my maternal mother. I lived in fear of my mother's temper and daily wished her dead. Mental and physical abuse was something I knew well.
As a small child I had gone bible school every summer. It was a way for my mom to get me out of the house for an hour or two. I enjoyed it because the teachers were very nice and kind to me. But I didn't really care about the stories of Jesus. I couldn't relate. How could Jesus love me when I was obviously unlovable?
At a pretty young age, maybe eight or so, I did something that changed the course of my life. I pledged myself to Satan. I renounced Jesus completely saying that He certainly didn't love me so I would instead turn to Satan because I knew he wanted me. I prayed to Satan and asked him to help me and give me power.
Well, it would seem Satan was agreeable to that. Satan taught me how to become a habitual liar and a thief. When I got caught in a lie I never minded the punishment because I comforted myself with all the lies that were never revealed. Same when I would steal from my parents or steal from a store.
By the time I was twelve, I had tried to kill myself once. I didn't do a very good job of it, being a child I thought I could hang myself by rapping a blanked around my neck and pulling up with my arm! That didn't work, so I turned to drugs. Satan was giving me the allusion of power and happiness through mind altering substances.
I started using drugs the way most kids do. First it was cigarettes, alcohol, and pot. Within a few months I moved up to "speeders." By the time I was thirteen, I was selling speeders in school among other popular pills.
I was enjoying my new found rebellion at home too. I no longer cared about rules or punishment. Why would I care? I didn't like myself at all and truly wished I had never been born. The world hated me and I hated the world even more.
At the age of fourteen I was raped by a friend of the family. This help fuel the hatred and contempt I had for mankind and myself. Yes, Satan was my god. In anger I had cried out to God and told Him that if He was real and He really loved me He would have to come and get me.
In my fifteenth year, I tried to kill myself again, this time by taking a bottle of aspirin before I went to bed. I did wake up in the morning feeling very, very ill! My mother thought I was ill because I spent too much time in my room and made me spend more time outside.
When I was sixteen I finally got together with the guy I thought was the greatest. He was good looking, popular and a partier. He had also already graduated from high school. I spent nine years with this man.
At the age of nineteen, I tried to kill myself by trying to slit my wrists with razor blades. My boyfriend stopped me. But you can see the contempt I had for my life.
During our relationship, there was both mental and physical abuse. Lots and lots of drugs. We would go on crank binges. Staying up for days and days at a time. Then we moved into shooting and smoking crack cocaine. I became addicted to cocaine by the time I was nineteen or twenty.
I became homeless for a time due to this addiction. Walking down the street begging people for money. My weight went down to 95lbs. and my hair started falling out because I didn't have any food to eat for days at a time. I couldn't work because of my addiction. At this point in my life, I hated so much, it would have been nothing to murder. I would have rather killed someone than smiled at them.
Finally I became a stripper. I was fortunate that I never stepped that one very little step into prostitution. I even lost that job due to my drug habit.
I was also arrested for shoplifting. A person at the police station offered to let me live with her. I turned down her offer because I didn't trust anyone much less her. Besides that would mean leaving my boyfriend who would not work because his family kept sending him money.
Then I became pregnant. I was addicted and the same boyfriend I had been with for many years didn't want the child. His family took me to an abortion clinic where I killed my child.
After that, I decided that enough was enough. I quit doing drugs and decided I was going to live a better life. I turned to the self help books, and my Ouija board for guidance.
Things improved somewhat, I got several jobs and put myself through school and took care of my boyfriend. I only did drugs occasionally now. I was in control! I became my own god, truth was what was right to me.
People from school would call me to help them study or for advice. I was a very good student, getting high grades without really trying and was always ready with the latest self-help wisdom.
I did leave my boyfriend when I met the person I have since married. My husband had a girlfriend when I met him however, and I used my relationship with Satan to get her out of the picture. I sent demons after her though my Ouija board. She almost wound up in a mental hospital.
My career was starting to get on track and I had a new boyfriend who was sweet and kind. Life couldn't get much better, so I thought.
My new boyfriend and I got married after three years of dating and wound up in serious financial debt. Our first year of marriage was horrible. Many times we talked about divorce.
We were in our second year of marriage and we had moved in with my father to help him out and to start a business.
I wound up working about an hour away from home. I didn't care for the drive. However, one day when driving to work, Jesus revealed Himself to me in a very powerful way. All at once I knew He was real and that He loved me. All I had to do was accept Him into my life. Joy like I can't even begin to describe washed over me. I cried and laughed and shouted for joy.
My day at work was not very productive, I walked around in a daze and couldn't stop smiling. Jesus had taken up the challenge I had made as a child and came and got me.
Since that glorious day, Jesus has taught me how to love, how to forgive, how be truthful and what joy is.
I remember coming home that day, very excited to tell my husband what had happened. Unfortunately he wasn't very interested. My faith lead to the failure of our 10 year marriage. He simply couldn’t accept who I had become. However, I do have a wonderful son who loves the Lord and has let me know that when he gets his new body in Heaven he wants it to be the color blue!
When I was first saved, I was amazed to sit in front of the TV watching the same shows I had always watched and being filled with horror over what I saw. Over time, it’s sad to say that slowly even I as a Christian don’t feel that same horror I once did (which I think is how Jesus sees these programs).
I don't fear anymore, nor do I hate. Every person had become precious to me, and I weep for those who do not know the love of God. He fills me with His love. When I am troubled He comforts me. When I am sad He reminds me of the things He has done and will do. When I stumble and go against His will He forgives me and loves me in an unconditional way. When I am weak, He is strong.
He listens to and answers my prayers. Not always the way I would like, but I am never ignored. He allows me to feel content.
I now have a desire to read the Bible and it makes sense! I look back and have found that He is slowly changing me. I always though that if you become a Christian that means that you'll have to give up everything that makes you happy. It hasn't worked that way for me. I didn't have to change anything. God in His mercy took away and still takes away the desires to do the things I used to do. I enjoy life much more than I ever had before.
The darkness that surround my heart is gone. Now there is light, peace and joy in it's place. Not that there isn’t an area or two that I still struggle with, but the worst is behind me and the best is yet to come!
I just want to praise God for loving me! I want to praise God because there isn't anyone that God does not offer His love to. I look back at my life and see all the evil I had done. There isn't a commandment that I didn't break, yet God still loved me and forgave me. I want to thank Him for being my Savior. I love You Lord. Amen
He can do the same for you. All you need to do is believe and accept Him as your Lord and Savior.
More To My Story
|
